Femi(nist)nine

When gender confused me, I turned to evolutionary psychology

Because the concepts of femininity and masculinity always confused me

I wanted to understand if there was some truth in the stereotypes,

Or if they were just illusions society had created for me.

You see I played with Barbies rather than Hot Wheels all my life

But I still didn't know it was mine or society's choice.

As I stumbled upon gender and it's theories

I began to push against the boundaries of my side of the binary

Not realising in my excitement to rebel

That not all of me fit in the other side.

The thing is... I sucked at being a tomboy

I liked ballet and hated sports but

I wanted to be one of those soccer girls

Who seamlessly fit into that ideal of empowerment

I wanted to be one of those Iron women who never cried

Who overcame emotion and romantic notion

To become symbols of strength.  To be glorified.

Somewhere I had internalized.

This feeling that being feminine was a weakness that I had to overcome to survive.

The thing is I knew that the world was going to pack every human quality

Neatly into two differently labelled boxes of the gender binary

And pretend they were at two ends of the scale

But little did I know that they won't be weighed and valued the same.

Because in the strangest and subtlest of ways,

We do not value masculinity and femininity the same.

I mean why is it considered a compliment to be called a father's not daughter but son

Why is 'girly' an insult?

Justin Bieber was wrong for many more reasons than just sounding like a girl.

Why is being emotional and empathetic for the soft and weak?

It's like saying mental trauma as compared to battle wounds is less important to treat.

Everytime the boy got beaten up for being a pansy

My skin turned black and blue

Because according to their standards

I was one too

Why do I see people of my own gender

Claim to be the 'other'

Claim to be better

Than the typical girly cliques.

What is girly and why is it unintelligent or weak?

Combat boots are no more difficult to walk in than high heels

Make-up could be war paint

And the decision to wear it-a choice

Vanity isn't always a vice.

Why are we so judgemental of supersonic fangirls?

Why assume that they're the unintelligent ones and not obsessive Megan Fox fanboys.

Why is it easier for a girl to play with boy's toys

And not the other way round?

To act out aggression is as messed up as being dramatic and have too much to feel

Are chick flicks really that unintelligent and unreal?

Because honestly their plotlines where the best friend's sister's boss falls in love with the smaller sister who is actually banging the husband's stepmother

Is as complicated as the plot of the latest avenger's movie.

And both are equally distant from and yet reflect reality

The thing is I have spent too much time sanitizing the femininity out of me

To be able to be more than what society expects out of me.

And that should never have been necessary

If I wanted to be one of those strong independent women,  I shouldn't have to be like men

I should just have to be myself.

I shouldn't have waited for gay men dancing in flamboyant dresses

To make me realise that femininity can be embraced and is not regressive

I shouldn't have waited...

When I proudly declared I watched the Royal Wedding with the kind of interest we reserve for India Pakistan matches

To be met with an awkward silence

As though rooting for a love story

Made me take a few steps down in dignity

I refuse to step down now

From my pink princess pedestal

I refuse to be shamed for all those parts of me that you consider girly

Because I jump when I see ants

I am the emotionally vulnerable poet

Who could be in a princess dress and not pants

And still deserve to be called badass.

Maybe it's time we go beyond just breaking stereotypes

And start revaluing the truth behind them.

That maybe this inequality starts way deeper under us.

Because maybe we don't need to wait for death to be the leveller

When we the living can be equalizers

I won't see the world to be an ideal

Till a girl in a pink dress and a boy in a pink dress are seen as equal in strength

Maybe femininity has no gender.

Maybe there is no gender.

And when you dismantle the two boxes, their contents will be worth the same.

Neither deserving of any shame.