If Holi is a festival of colours
I have been coloured by shame
Blame. There is no name
For the fear that crippled me
When hordes of drunk men screamed Happy Holi Madam Log at my friend and me.
When the elderly uncle on a scooter looked at our coloured faces and in disgust said "Yeh kya hain?"
When I misinterpreted other screams of Happy Holi from college students just like me
As harassment. Honestly
I don't know what it was.
Just like I don't when another person commented while passing by me
I was wearing my shortest sleeves. Was that what they had seen?
I don't know what it was. What it is.
When I heard they began approaching her but stopped midway in their violent revelry.
When they tried to kick us from their moving motorcycle.
She yelled "Piece of shit!". I hope they heard
Just like we did a few minutes later when two others on a motorbike screamed
Happy Holi Madam as they passed by us.
Fear is just like a dream.
Uncontrollable. You just want it to end.
For safety, we took an autorickshaw to pass through darker streets
Slow and mumbling, he was high. Maybe drunk.
I don't know what he was.
I don't know what this is.
Our destination was the bus stop outside the rapist lane
Patches of darkness everywhere.
What use is a streetlight when traffic's there? The streets seemed to say
I wouldn't have minded a bit of light
To just dispel the darkness of the fear as we walked. And walked. And walked
I have to walk again tonight.
For just a few minutes from my home to the mess.
But every dark corner has turned into a potential location
For my waking nightmares to come true.
I have been screaming in my head
But I will have to walk tonight.
Even if every step feels like a criminal's walk towards the noose
I feel criminal for fearing a daily reality so much
Maybe tomorrow I will feel less scared.
It is just a process I guess.
Because tomorrow I will walk alone.
I will never stop walking alone.
