Feminazi

The first time I heard the word Feminazi

It was just another American stereotype

In this new world of understanding gender equality

Which would soon become my survival guide.

But the first time I felt like a Feminazi

Was when I asked to include sexist statements like "Make me a sandwich"

In a college discussion about gender inequality

My eyes filled with excitement to contribute a point

Only to be met by genuinely fearful eyes

And an expression which said "I know people like you, you are looking to cut my dick off"

As though someone my size with a soft voice

Had suddenly turned into an unstable extremist

Just like saying the word "feminist"

Is sometimes like pulling the pin of a grenade

The overwhelming silence that follows is the one I live in fear of

Even though I know the explosion will never arrive.

Feminists themselves don't know what feminism means.

Said the loud girl, unafraid to speak, like I wish I had been

Because suddenly identifying as one

Became an examination. I had to learn

To memorize the dictionary definition of feminism. Reaffirm

Every single time that I believed in the equality of sexes

Not the superiority of one.

Unlike random so called feminazis whose words you dig out of the depths of Tumblr to invalidate mine.

Whose hashtags #men are pigs #men are dogs

Travel miles across and translate into a hashtag for me #Feminazi

And I feel its weight on my tongue every time I begin to speak

About feminism oh no wait simply gender equality.

Because let's face it, those 140 characters or less are seen only in context of their hashtag

And I am afraid of the one you put on me.

As every facebook comment and comments said to my face

Are like adding limbs to my Hangman

Till my I run out of letters to form my opinion

And the courage to say them.

I know that there are serious issues like foeticide and wage gaps that I cannot change

And pointing out sexist comments maybe seem like an insignificant unnecessary exchange

But when I said I was a feminist I did mean I was an activist

I am not going to pretend I'm changing the world

I'm just trying to change the way I see the world

When she said "Thank God you're not a Feminazi"

Deciding whether it was a compliment or not was not easy

Because it felt less like a welcome and more like a warning

To not cross a certain invisible boundary

Except I had no idea where this line was drawn

And my fear to cross it accidentally keeps me within bounds

Rather than test my understanding and go beyond

By talking to people about it without the fear of someone attacking

The word Feminazi

Surrounds me in an invisible fog of doubt and insecurity

About my own identity.

You see I thought feminism was a learning process

And I was the imperfect student

But you have turned my school into a battlefield

Leaving me to hold up my defenses against you

Rather than accept your words as insight too.

I am guilty of being an extremist in my vulnerable moments

But make up for it daily, moderating my words and actions

I am the girl who will mentally apologise for objectifying a guy before silently admiring his fine ass

Who will never be found staring blatantly at a pretty girl for fear of labeling herself as a pervert,

Who feels conflicted about which compartment or seat to sit in not knowing if it is deserved

Who is afraid her period cramps will be seen as an unfair excuse

And not just another reason to use

To feel a little lazy throughout the day

Who will force herself to face trauma and not stereotype every man on the road as a potential rapist

I have an entire list

Of defences and apologies and excuses

That stick to my opinions as disclaimers and prologues

So that you don't see me as a hypersensitive extremist

Because feminism,like someone wise said, is a dialogue

We see the world through different filters

But if we exchanged perspectives for a moment

Imagine how many more dimensions we could add to our understanding

Just like the many facets of a diamond

All working to hold and reflect the same white light

To shine our way through this dimly lit maze

Of social constructs and systems we still live in these days

That maybe we can together change.